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Show Notes:

Psychologist Dr. Michelle Deering walks us through:

How To Have A Tension-Free Relationship With Your Tween/Teen Daughter: 5 strategies to use that will help you respond without flipping out
1. Her story
2. A story from her childhood/younger years that helped shape who she is today.
3. The Top 3 Signs or unseen signs for a call for help in a mother daughter relationship
4. Dr. Michelle’s Top 5 Strategies to use that will help a mom respond without flipping out?
5.  A big mistake or failure that happened in her journey and what she learned from it
6.  Healthy tips for any relationship 

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UPS Canada Elaine Tan Comeau

Announcer 0:00

Welcome to Elaine's Kitchen Table. This is where we share tips about business and parenting. Being a mom of three CEO of the award winning company, Easy Daysies speaker and educator, you're going to learn the tips and secrets of successful and incredible people. Elaine wants you to be inspired, challenged and motivated. And that person you want your kids to grow up to be, this is real talk for real life.

Elaine Tan Comeau 0:27

Hi, welcome to Elaine's Kitchen Table where we talk about how to create better how to create better family health, business and self. And I'm so excited about my guest today. And I just I cannot wait to share her and her expertise because you know what, there's over 4 billion moms on this planet like that is insane. And every second 4.3 babies are born. That means, I don't know, like 200 260 almost per minute. What that means is, by the end of this podcast, over 10,000 babies will have been born. Can we all say help. But I want to say that one of my biggest role models in my life is my mom. And studies will show there was a survey that I saw of those surveyed, over 40% of those surveyed said that the most influential person in their life is their mother. And so that relationship is key and so important because that relationship. There are so many studies that will show that the mother daughter relationships will dictate her self worth the daughter's self worth and daughter's self esteem, who she chooses, in relationships, from friendships to partners in life. So let's talk let's talk about the mother daughter relationship. Let's talk about how sometimes there's some head banging going on. And my my guest today, she is going to share her expertise on how to have that tension free relationship with your teen or tween daughter. She's going to share strategy strategies that will help you respond without flipping out Hello, right now my guest today is Dr. Michelle Dearing. She's a licensed psychologist, and the podcast host of Mother Daughter connections. And she believes that every mother and daughter should have a thriving, loving relationship. Can we say amen? Right. Now this refreshing approach has made her a sought after speaker, online educator and consultant and I want to say welcome, welcome. Dr. Dearing,

Dr. Michelle Deering 2:44

thank you so much for having me here late. I'm so stoked to be here. Well, I

Elaine Tan Comeau 2:48

was gonna choose you with my coffee here and I should get my tea right. So you are actually on the other side of North America right now. In

Dr. Michelle Deering 3:02

North Carolina, South North North North Carolina. Yes. And what a beautiful place

Elaine Tan Comeau 3:07

because I have been there and I love the food.

Dr. Michelle Deering 3:12

I love Oh, yes, yes, I have to get used to the different kinds of barbecue from the north originally, but yes. So I like it. Now.

Elaine Tan Comeau 3:21

How are you different? Tell me about that. I'm over here.

Dr. Michelle Deering 3:26

Well, I'm originally from New York City, but lived in New Jersey prior to moving here. But in the north, the barbecue tends to be more on the sweet side with the tankiness and down here in North Carolina. It's more on the vinegary side with Yeah, yeah. So it took a little bit, but now I'm totally acclimated.

Elaine Tan Comeau 3:51

I'm sure I'm sure it wasn't hard to get used to. No, not

Dr. Michelle Deering 3:55

at all. Can't be good barbecue. Now, doctor during your

Elaine Tan Comeau 3:59

Mom, tell us a little bit about you and your family.

Dr. Michelle Deering 4:01

Yeah, I have been married to actually my BFF hubby and I will be celebrating our 30th this year. So we're excited for that because renewing our vows. We have twin daughters who are I guess 21 We were just talking off air about when he turned 21. And they are taking prisoners as I as I like to call it, you know, just going out there and we don't do adulting around here. They just are adults. Wow. So yeah, I'm very happy for them. Wow.

Elaine Tan Comeau 4:37

And congratulations on 30 years. Yes. Talking about role modeling. Wow. Wow. And wow. Yes, so many things I want to ask you.

Dr. Michelle Deering 4:48

So yeah, well, you can start by asking me but I originally I'm from the Bronx, New York, the Bronx as we like to call it and I was raised by my a single mom who emigrated from Jamaica to here back in the 40s. And yeah, she she raised me. I don't know how much you want me to go into. But I could go on.

Elaine Tan Comeau 5:10

Oh, absolutely, I was gonna make my next question is actually going to be about, you know, tell me something about your childhood, or your younger years where you feel like it helped shape and develop who you are today?

Dr. Michelle Deering 5:22

Yeah, well, so pick up where I left off with my mom raising me, I'm the youngest of three. And but they're much, much older than I am. And so the way my mom found out she was having me was that she was fleeing, literally in the dead of night in the winter time from her abusive husband, who's my biological dad, and found out that she had a present, which was me, the unexpected one. And so I'm just growing up in a Jamaican household for those of your listeners who know anything about Jamaican households were prim and proper, and everything has to be just so. And you know, and so that tended to have more of a critical dynamic between my mom and me. So we weren't really close, it didn't help matters that she wasn't aware because I never found her to be a safe space for me to talk about the abuse that I was experiencing both physical and sexual growing up and so the way in which I coped with her critical nature, what was to throw myself into my academics and my athletics and because those were the areas that I found affirmation, and, you know, positive things being said about my

Elaine Tan Comeau 6:45

is incredible. I mean, you could have found something much, much worse than on treacherous never fall into that could give you that sense of belonging, but to fall into academics and sports and athletics. Yeah. Had a good head on your shoulders.

Dr. Michelle Deering 7:02

It? Well. I mean, again, one of the things I usually tell my clients is, you know, this whole journey of Mother Daughter relationships is not about pointing fingers or finding blame. It's really about gaining and understanding. And so, you know, even in with her critical nature, I mean, one, one of my early memories, and it's something that I actually talk about, in my book, what mothers never tell their daughters is, is this, this, this really stark memory I have of her, I call it the calf liver dinner, where she came home from a hard day's work working in the garment industry, you know, sleep, you know, sweatshop stuff. And she, she had she all we had in the, in the cupboard was, you know, the liver, some peas, and a little bit of mashed potatoes. And she made what she did, and it was just one plate full. And she sat down and put that plate in front of me and nodded, which was her signal to make Go ahead and eat but she went without Yeah, that kind of just really shaped me as I grew up, seeing what self sacrifice is all about. And I'm going to come back to this later if our conversation goes that way. But there's some the thing that it that it left me with was this impression that being a mom is all about self sacrifice. And I and that is something that as a mom myself now I've seen is not it's the prevailing assumption that this is what the way it's supposed to be that that signifies being a good mom. Wow, my contention is that self sacrifice is doing a district an injustice to not just your daughter but your family at large and yourself in particular because you lose yourself in that

Elaine Tan Comeau 8:58

so wow. Wow, I was doing a lot of reading up on before we met and and it is so true that that is a I don't know if I can call it old school thing because my mom is very much representative of what like what your mom believes like and and yes there is a point when you know when you are a mama bear you will feed your children and everybody else before yourself and you know like and I find that happening in our house too. And sometimes like I watch them throw it with an engineer like

Elaine Tan Comeau 9:41

my mom has such a servant's heart and and you know, and I love my mom and she is a pillar of strength. And there are also things where I catch myself doing that I now slapped my hand on because I remember being a little or are not little, but I was like 1314. And I was babysitting my mom's friend's children. And then they would pay me at the end. My mom's like, no, no, no, no, you don't need to be here. And I'm okay. And then I caught myself almost doing that to my daughter once. I'm like, What on earth? No, no, no, she worked hard. She deserves that money. She worked for it. She gave them a service, they pay her. Right, right. It wasn't like, I mean, it's different when people that are stranded and they throw their children in your house, because something it's an emergency. Absolutely. But I'm talking when it's a job, a service being provided in exchange for income. Income. So I caught myself and you know, and it's not a slight on my mum. But it's a new revelation that I had of. Hmm.

Dr. Michelle Deering 11:02

I love that you actually say that, because I said that, because that's one of anyone who hangs around me long enough knows that my whole one of my mantras is we need to pause to consider our behavior. And the fact that you actually caught yourself is one of the great gifts that you gave your daughter in that moment, because fast forward, and you know it being an entrepreneur yourself. Women still what make 80 cents on the dollar. And we can break it down in terms of a man's pay. But one of the contributing factors is that it's because they don't value themselves, they have a hard time valuing what they bring to the table. And so you right in that moment, when you paused and caught yourself, you actually started the process of breaking a cycle that exists out there. I didn't

Elaine Tan Comeau 11:55

just even caught myself. I said it all out loud. I wanted them to process and understand. Yes, I'm like, I actually like, like, I even apologize to my daughter that I had that thought and I said, I'm so sorry. And like you are so worth it. Like you're probably worth more than that. Yes. Holly dies for that. Because, you know, yes, you deserve every penny that you are given. So don't like am I apologize to her? She has no idea that because it didn't happen?

Dr. Michelle Deering 12:30

Well, you actually gave her two great gifts. One was the cause. And the other. And the other one was the apology. You actually you quoted a statistic, about 40% of women say that their mom is really very important. But there's another statistic out there that says 42 to 48% of moms of women, adult women have been estranged from their moms at some point in time. And it's because one of the factors is you'd be surprised even in my Facebook group, how many adult moms have not have rarely heard an apology from their mom for things. So you gave your daughter two great gifts. So I'm giving you two thumbs up

Elaine Tan Comeau 13:19

have a little pat on their back occasionally, because we all feel like fail. There's a fail. I I want to touch on what you just mentioned about Stranger your mom. And that can start in in the relationship that's much earlier because that is what causes the drift apart, right? Even that two degrees separation eventually grows into a very large gap. So what would you say Dr. Jerry might be some unseen signs or very obvious signs that there is a need for help a call for help in that mother daughter relationship.

Dr. Michelle Deering 14:01

You know, as I hear you say the phrase call for help. And I just want to clarify. When is it? Are you talking about? Someone is in danger or someone is like going down a certain path? Like what do you think? Yeah,

Elaine Tan Comeau 14:16

I don't mean danger. I will danger in the sense of there's going to be a vast gap between that relationship. So I mean, how young does it start? Like, is it something that just happens in teen age hood? Or

Elaine Tan Comeau 14:33

like, like when they're like five years old? Like

Dr. Michelle Deering 14:37

you actually I'm glad you asked this questions because I have I have a number of different pet peeves. This is one of my big ones, which is this whole notion. And I call it the big lie where we're it. It says moms out there. When your daughter's a teen there's going to be tumult and tension and that That's like a given. And the whole thing is that no, no, no, no, no, no, it does not have to be that way. And then and the thing that the way in which you're interacting with your daughter, when she's a toddler, is really sort of like a foundation for what things will be like when she's a tween or teen. So it's really important for moms to pause to consider how they're feeling and reacting to things that they are noticing when she is that young. Because it'll give you some indication and time to make adjustments for when she hits the tween teen years, I think to answer your question, specifically, signs are when. And let me the caveat to this is, you as a mom, know your daughter? Well, because you birthed her. But when you start noticing things that are different than what is considered norm and what your experience with her is, so like, for instance, if you have a gregarious outgoing daughter, and then all of a sudden she gets starts to get quiet, or seems a little timid, that might tell you something's going on. So you want to pause to consider not say things like what you used to always be like, nothing like that. But just pause to consider in the moment, how can you now find out what's going on. So that's a change in behavior, if you're noticing. Ways in which your daughter may be shutting you out. Every child is different. So for instance, if you have a quiet child, okay, who is used to just being in a book, all right, and I'm talking about one of my daughter, my twin daughters, okay, I had to learn that her being having her nose in the book was her way of just absorbing herself in her world, but that when other outside things came at her too quickly, then she'd do more book reading. I always and I didn't understand that initially, but because I was pausing to consider my behavior of when I would tell her rapid fire three different pieces of information. Oh, and don't forget that and remember this and did it just, you know, nonchalantly, and then she wouldn't do it, then I'd get upset. Why aren't you doing this thing instead of pausing to consider what might be going on with her as to why she's not hearing me at that point in time? Okay, because it takes two to tango. But you're the adult in it. So sorry.

Elaine Tan Comeau 17:54

And it begins with knowing your daughter, right? Knowing your child, right? If you don't know them, you won't even notice when they are withdrawn. Like I love that you so that, you know, your daughter loves to read and she says in a book, and then you discover why she's into her book, right? Whether it's a form of just release and relaxation, or escapism, because she doesn't think about anything else, because she can just focus on what she's reading. And so I love that. I love that very much. And, of course, there's the obvious signs of tension when there's a lot of yelling.

Dr. Michelle Deering 18:34

Yes, right. Right. I was gonna get to that I was I was waiting to see. But but you know, the head butting stuff. If for your listeners, okay, you know that when you've had one of those days, okay, and you go to your girlfriend, and you're just like, you know, and you just go off. The reason why your BFF is your BFF is because she knows how to sit there. She's like, not she's seeing you. She's heard you because she's nodding your head. Yeah, girl. Yeah, right. Right. And she understands because you guys have a history. Wow. Well, Your daughter needs the same thing. Wow. Okay, she's no different. And the reason why head butting happens is because and again, you know, the only thing that we as moms do perfectly is that we perfectly love our daughters imperfectly. So even though we're like rushing to and from different things, it's inevitable that we're going to miss it. And our communication lines will cross and there's not an understanding from each party. And so that's why the pausing is going to be very important. That's why the making observations about what's the flow of your family, you know, like for instance, like I'm also I'm not just a mother daughter Relationship personal trainer. I'm not just a licensed psychologist, but I'm also a sports psychology board certified sports psychologist. So I work a lot with moms who have daughters who are athletes, there's this flow when your child is in season for whatever sport, and you have to kind of understand how to navigate that flow. So that when they're out of season, your flow to the family might be different. It's just being aware of what's going on. And recognizing that if you bump heads, it's not a failure, that's like something that's not, it's just an opportunity to connect with your daughter differently. Because her behavior is not a bad reflection on you. It's really a reflection to you that something's going on. And you need to kind of attend to it.

Elaine Tan Comeau 20:53

I love how you said that is not a reflection of you, is a reflection to you, as a mom of something is definitely going on. I really love that. Wow. Now, I you've written books, you speak on this topic often. And I know that you can tell us what your top five strategies are then to respond to your daughter without flipping out because you know what, as a mom, you could be doing something, whatever it is, but in your mind, you're like, Okay, what am I making for dinner? Why is there a laundry still on the floor? How come nobody took up any of those things at the bottom of the stairs, like what is going on, while somebody else is trying to talk to you. So and it's hard because you do want to go through and help each of your children or your your child. But you still feel like you have all these other things coming at you. So you cut them short sometimes and say, tell me that after but can you go do this? And then you just dismiss them? Right? And so So what is what are some of your strategies to avoid?

Dr. Michelle Deering 22:06

Yeah. I can't begin to tell you over the past 20 years that I've been working with moms and daughters, you know, the thing that I, I can't even begin to tell you that once a mom does, and I've kind of spliced them in, in our discussion so far, but I'm just going to summarize it, the pausing to consider your behavior is going to be key. That's where you get your bearings. And that's not something that happens overnight. Because, you know, for myself, I had my big pause when our daughters were entering their tween years. Okay, and once that pause happened, I was like, Whoa, I need to really start understanding what makes me tick. And what ticks me off. Why? Okay, because they didn't ask to be brought into the world. You brought them here. So it hooves it's a benefit to them. And you ultimately to just understand by pause, understand yourself by pausing first to consider your behavior. That's part number one. Step number one. The second step is to really check I call it check with the Mrs. Which is where there are ways in which we miss and I go into this more in my book, what mothers never tell their daughters, but we we miss it, when we are seeing Miss conceiving what's going on, which then leads to us miss communicating. So I misunderstanding what's going on, which then impacts how we communicate and we miss it in our communication. So So if so, so attending to that is going to be really key. And that's what I usually work with my clients through is because

Elaine Tan Comeau 23:57

again, you mentioned three different Mrs. Yes, the first

Dr. Michelle Deering 23:59

miss is that you miss conceive, which is just a fancy way of saying we are looking at it incorrectly. Absolutely. And then the second thing is that we miss understand, because if we're not seeing something correctly, we're going to not understand it properly. And then we miss communicate based on what we've just misunderstood. Okay, so those are the three misses. All right. And then the fourth thing, sorry, the third thing, after you've paused to consider and after you've checked with the missus. The third thing is you really need to and everybody needs this. I'm going to say number three, four and five. You need to see here and understand your daughter by seeing your daughter. All I'm talking about is have you faced her How are you communicating that? That you are acknowledging her being her presence? Okay, Um, I could go into that for a long time because in our in our busyness and as you just alluded to it earlier, we can get, have things going on in our mind and have no idea that our countenance is a certain way. And that and that can inadvertently communicate that we don't see our kids in front of us. So then that said, Then, after seeing her, then you want to make sure that you've heard her Wow. Oh my gosh, the number of ways in which we can indirectly or unintentionally not listen, and hear are, it's one thing to listen, our ears do it all the time. But to communicate that you've heard your daughter is going to be really key and for tween and teen daughters, in particular, they want their feelings heard.

Elaine Tan Comeau 25:59

Ah, wow. Okay. So I love that. So if you have a teen or tween daughter most important is to make sure that they're heard but not just heard in words, but that you hear their feelings. So what is a strategy to let them know that we are hearing how they feel?

Dr. Michelle Deering 26:20

And I say this not presented? Simply, I was about to chuckle because psychologists always get dinged for oh, you always ask that feeling? Question. Yeah. How does that make you feel? It sounds like so simple. But there are different variations of that. But it's really just asked her. How's that making you feel? Use the F word. It's the best F word you can use. Okay? Because because, you know, at that age for tweens and teens, between tween and teen girls, they have a lot going on hormonally, socially, their prefrontal cortex is still developing. It's transitioning from black and white thinking to abstract thinking, Wow, and so much is pulling at them. It's a cauldron of mess. Yes, the self is built to be a beautiful, a beautiful, and when I use that word mess in big quotations, not that they're a mess. They are they are trying to figure so much stuff out. That they're going to have a lot of feelings about it. So as a mom checking in with them, you know, not just how is your day? How are you feeling today?

Elaine Tan Comeau 27:38

I don't know. I love that.

Dr. Michelle Deering 27:41

And then the last part after you've heard them is then communicate that you've understood. All right. Yeah. Because that's the that's the that's, that's, that's, that will take your relationship to a deeper level. Wow. And your parents, I

Elaine Tan Comeau 27:58

do hear parents saying I don't understand her. I don't understand her. So what does that mean? Like? How do we understand them?

Dr. Michelle Deering 28:04

Well, you know, when when you said that, they say I don't understand her. And this is I'm speaking as one who has pulled my hair when they were that age going? I am done. I don't get it that. What, what? When a mom does that, it's because it's confusing to them. It's not fitting into the paradigm of what they're expecting. And you have to understand, your daughter is going through her stage for the first time. You as her mom, have already been through that. But you're experiencing her journey through it. And so the understanding that needs to be communicated is that that you've that you understand how it could be possible that she could be feeling and or thinking whatever it is that she's thinking and or feeling without judgment

Elaine Tan Comeau 29:01

and love that show an understanding of how they are going through something without judgment. Because their first time going. Yes. Great reminder. I love and then so Would you repeat back what they're feeling so that they feel heard?

Dr. Michelle Deering 29:19

Wow, yeah, a person. There. There are ways to do it that a person can just wrote, say, so you're feeling like x after the present, okay. Say your daughter says I feel mad. So you feel mad. It's one thing to just repeat the words. It's another thing and I'm pointing to my heart. As I say this, repeat the words from your heart. And it takes a slowing down. That's why in these five steps I've said the pausing to consider behavior because we as women, and just the way in which we are navigating society at large We are pressured, so much so that we don't attend to our bodies. And so I'm not going to get into that, because I know, we'll be talking about that in more detail. But that pausing to consider is going to be really key on being able to speak from your heart, the understanding that you've just heard from your daughter. Okay. And if you, you know, if you if you repeat something back to her, and she tells you not, that's not it. No, that no, because tweens, they can do that. That's not it's not an indication of you. It's because she's still wrestling on the inside. He's not mad at you. She's just mad that you're not getting it. She wants you to get it. Okay. And if you as a mom can kind of just step back and say, Okay, I'm not going to take this personally, I really just want to the end result is to connect with my daughter. Yes. Amen. And you'll get there. Yeah, yeah.

Elaine Tan Comeau 30:58

Wow. And that is the tricky part. Like when? So when the daughter says, No, that's not what I mean. What is the smartest thing to do then? Like? What would a mom say? Do you not say anything? Do you say?

Dr. Michelle Deering 31:14

What do you think? Well, every situation is different. So again, this is a blanket thing. The thing to say in those moments, the first thing to say is to yourself, This is not, don't take it personally, etc. Try to hear what she's saying. And then just ask a question. Okay, so what is it that I'm not understanding? Yes. And you know, and again, you know, this kind of every situation is different. And when I sit down with my mom clients, I'm really getting a summary of what their dance is, every mom and daughter has a dance. And then the actual wording, and the timing, and the positioning. That's all the stuff I work with moms on. So, yeah, because because I don't think that there's any one cookie cutter response. But the key part is for you, as a mom to do that pausing. Because if you pause long enough, you'll find out what's really going on. Yeah, and I can't even begin to tell you time and time again, how many moms that I've worked with have said, you know, the minute I shut my mouth and use the two ears that I have, instead of the one mouth that I have, you know, the ratio two to one, twice as much listening money,

Elaine Tan Comeau 32:49

I was just thinking that. Right, like, being a good listener. And, like, I remember, like, you know, even when my my three kids now their teens in near the end of teens, all three of them. But I remember my husband's like, you know, it's so important, you know, just let her let her like we're talking about our oldest like that, and relationships can be important. And you know, and I am that mom who's like, you know, things that be done a certain way. And I had to like, let that go. And it's hard. And it's so hard to not want to fix it make it better. Because you're right. Dr. Dearing, it's their first time going through it. So even though I have done it, 10s of 1000s of times, I need to let them her have that experience, and then be there to catch her beat, or to like bounce off of and say, hey, you know, and I met through that. I, I did this, instead of saying, Do this, do it this way. This is the only way so much faster.

Dr. Michelle Deering 34:05

Right, and you know, and not to put you on the spot. But when you say it's so much faster. Yeah, if they'd only do it my way. Because it's really about when we say that it's really about us and not them. And that those are ways in which we end up not seeing as,

Elaine Tan Comeau 34:21

right and allowing them develop into their abundant self. Right. And you know, and that's why I think it's so important that they see me fail, that they see me cry that they see me figure it out and try to pick myself up in some stressful situation. Yes, I don't want them to think that life is perfect. And that things come easy. Because life isn't perfect and things don't come easy always. And so but it's how we there's so much we can learn from and show our kids from how we pick ourselves up. And and so you know, my kids have seen me fall apart It seemed like the result of, of the steps taking forward and picking ourselves up. And you know, I love how you stress it. Number one is to pause. And you know, and talk about this one instance with my son. And when he was little, he was like, I don't know what he was, maybe it was like 10 1011. He's 15 now, and I don't remember what it was, it was like the morning rush and, and I think he like left cups that he loves drinking chocolate milk, but then he leaves the cups everywhere. And you're always in the morning. And I'm like, I wanted to say, Dr. Dre. I didn't say, I want to say why do you always leave your cups up at or bla bla bla bla, I didn't I pious and I cut myself in my frustration that I wanted to say that. And right when I was about to say that I didn't say that. In fact, I don't even know how the words came out my mouth. Good. I said. I said, you know, I said his name. I suggested. I'm like, Why are you always such a good helper? I said that I did not want to say that. That's not what I wanted to say. I wanted to say why are you always leaving your company? And you know what? I watched his little shoulders when he was sitting that were slouched over and he was eating. And I saw his spine straighten up and his shoulders go back. And he got up and he put his dishes in. Like he rents them and he put them in a dishwasher. And it was that pause. I don't know how the words changed in my mouth, because I understand they're in shock myself. But what touched my heart was watching his little shoulder string up. Yes. And you know, and him going off to school. Feeling like a good helper rather than me being on him saying, How come Why do you always blah blah, right? I will always remember that.

Dr. Michelle Deering 36:55

Yes. And all the more why the pause is so important. And ties

Dr. Michelle Deering 37:07

Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Yeah, that's beautiful. That's beautiful. I'm glad you shared that.

Elaine Tan Comeau 37:15

I'm a crazy mama. I love your strategies, right. Pause, pause, pause it and check your own behavior, right? Because right, we do have those two ears, we gotta listen more than we can spew words faster out of our mouths, because you gotta just take that pause. I love that. Yes, sir. Awesome. I love that. Or to check your miss, check with your missus. Check your muscles. I love that. Because at first I might check with your wife. I understand. Right misconceive that your your daughter's frustration as like bad behavior, but it isn't. She's going through something. You can you're saying oh is misunderstanding, right? And then you're gonna miss communicate, right. And so that pause is so important. Because when you're pausing, you could check in on those things and try to read, try to remember what happened like she just break up with somebody. Have a hard test today to try out for track and field like, what what is going on here. And that's why it's so important to have that pause. Oh, you're awesome. And then and then use it three, four, and five is to see hear and understand your daughter. Love it all. Now, I'm sure Dr. Darren when people look at you know, like, oh my gosh, this incredible. Psychologist must be the perfect mom. Now we know there's no such thing because I know you are lovely. And I also know that there is no such thing as being a is there an example that you could share with us? I'm in my listeners have a Big Mom fail something that just a mistake that happened. But you took this nugget out of it that we could learn from?

Dr. Michelle Deering 39:01

Yeah, I mean, the whole trajectory of why I'm doing what I'm doing right now is when our daughters were about to become tweens, the pressures of work in life and balancing everything. I unintentionally found myself repeating patterns that my mom had had with me and didn't realize the effect it was having on one of my twin daughters until, you know, she shared with me that she didn't want to live anymore. And so that was my big pause where I had to say you need to backup here. So me as a practicing psychologist was like let me take myself and put myself in therapy and and over the next three years. It took that long there were principles that and things that I had to look at that I learned through that process and then you know fast forward, both that daughter and both my daughters and I now have a very close relationship. But it was a process of regaining her trust. But the thing that was, that was an eye opener for me in that mistake was that I let my fears get projected onto her. And as a result of that, I wasn't seeing her as she felt that, and, you know, it became a, oh, you just want me to do X, Y, and Z, according to your data. And, and I didn't realize how it had been eroding. And so it took a while, three years for us to get that trust back. And now, you know, she's out there. And it's funny, because you mentioned that you to me off air that you're a teacher. You know, I was a former math teacher, and so the stupid is thing of getting upset over stupid math problems. Okay? It's like, No, I'm the math teacher here, you will do it this way. I mean, something as silly as that got communicated to her. But fast forward, you know, our relationships mended. You know, she took AP Calc aced it, you know, so I'm sort of like, what was I, you know, all stressed out about, I mean, I understand it now. But, um, that was the thing that, that started my journey of seeing that, hey, it's so easy for us to unintentionally repeat things that were done to us or not done to us just, and they have an effect that we are not intending to have on our relationship, and it's undermining stuff, then that's why, you know, at one point when I was, you know, repairing our relationship, you know, I was just like, the things I can't tell her right now, because of the age appropriateness. Hence, the name of the book, what mothers never tell their daughters, and it's and so now my whole thing is, as a mother, daughter, relationship, personal trainer, I'm here like a personal trainer, to get you on track for improving, if you're wanting to do things, I can call it preventing things from happening, as well as fixing things, or improving things and making things closer as your heart's desire, because it will happen. Well,

Elaine Tan Comeau 42:28

you're reminded says pause before you react.

Elaine Tan Comeau 42:33

evaluate what is what is going on here. Really? And and you said earlier, that it is not reflective of you. But it's reflective of what is that there's something going

Dr. Michelle Deering 42:45

to do to it? Right? Right there reflection to you. Yeah,

Elaine Tan Comeau 42:50

I love that so much. And before, before we go, I wanted to just touch on relationships in general, like whether it's with, with your child, any child boy or girl, your colleagues, do you have any tips, whether it's like one or three, that you say, Hey, here's some healthy tips to have a healthy relationship? Bang, what would they

Dr. Michelle Deering 43:15

you know, the the thing that comes to mind, it's, it's one of the cornerstones of just how I conduct myself in my relationships. is I read this Jewish proverb a long time ago that says that wisdom builds a house, but understanding furnishes it. And if you think about it, you know, a house isn't a home, without some furnishings, right? And it makes it cozy. And that understanding may cost you a lot. Meaning that, you know, you'll have to maybe look at some things that might be difficult. It's okay, that discovery process, that process of just learning in the moment and gaining that understanding is going to be the thing that glues you and your your daughter together over the long haul through all the transitions of life that the both of you will be going through. So yeah.

Elaine Tan Comeau 44:10

Wow. I love that wisdom, builds the house understand these furnishes it right, and that's the practical side is the understanding, right? You can know all the great tips in the world and do nothing with it and then have an empty home. Right? Nobody wants that. You are incredible. Now, Dr. Dearing, if anybody wanted to find you right now, where would they go? Look,

Dr. Michelle Deering 44:32

you could go on to my podcast, Mother Daughter connections, which is found on all platforms. You could also connect with me I actually have a free PDF for folks that they can download. It's the quick guide to less arguments. You can find that at bit bi T dot L y backslash less arguments, and you'll be connected into my email community as a result of that. But yeah, I go into a lot of detail in that PDF and moms continue to tell me I don't go anywhere without this thing.

Elaine Tan Comeau 45:10

You said so many great tips and nuggets and thank you. Thank you with all my heart as a mom. And thank you Dr. Dearing and I will have all of your websites and contacts and social media in our show notes. So please go there. And I want to thank you to our listeners for for tuning in with us today and having this great chat with us and Dr. Dre. Dr. During you're awesome if we don't remember anything but what is one word? Pas? Love, love, love. You are awesome. Thank you Jackie during and thank you to our listeners. Good bye for now. Have a great day everyone.